amy, actually

Another World Exclusive! Eddie Vedder!

My very brief Eddie Vedder interview:

Me: "That part about recognizing your breath? Always freaks me out. I like the rest of the song, though."

EV: "Wow, you're an asshole."

Me:" Back at ya, leftie."

(we make out)

In The Name of Love

I remembered you for the first time in a long time.

It's been so many years since I even thought about the fact that I was married before, once upon a time. been busy raising them kids, so our little interlude has not been foremost on my mind.

Tonight, though? You're in my head. And for the first time ever, I get you. I get why I loved you and why my heart dropped into my stomach every time you looked at me.

Can you believe I remember the first time I ever saw you? You were in the hallway at high school, kissing up on Katie, your girlfriend at the time. And every part of me said "Must. Have".

I don't even know how I did it. One thing I can't remember is how I got you.

Oh, and we were so awful once we were together.

But for now, I remember...you were amazing. You shined.

***World Exclusive - My Interview With Johnny Depp***

Let's just jump right in, shall we? I'm the one in italics.

Johnny, thanks so much for sitting down with us.

JD (doing his little smirky face): There's only one of you.

I'm using the journalistic "us", Johnny.

JD: Can I smoke in here?

Ha! I smoke constantly in my blog. I'd be offended if you didn't smoke. By the way, last night was awesome.

JD: I'm sorry?

You know, last night? When we attended the Oscars together and I got up and threw a shoe at the presenter because you got screwed out of yet another "Best Actor" and then you said "That's my girl!" and then we made out?

JD: Um....(exhales smoke)...that didn't actually happen.

*rolls eyes* Ohhhhkay. Anyway,is it true that you named your son, Jack, after an imaginary pirate that you play in a movie? Because if that is true it would be ridiculous. Ha ha. I mean people think that I named my son, Jack, after an imaginary pirate that you played in a movie and then I have to remind them that he is actually named Jackson, which I got off of Hannah Montana and that it is just a coincidence that the short form of Jackson is Jack (which, as you may be aware, is the name of an imaginary pirate you played in a movie).

JD: What is truth, really? I mean, we all have this concept of truth and really everyones concept is so different and Tim, you know Tim, (runs hands through hair) is , like, he has this beautiful perspective and so...

Who?

JD: Tim. Tim Burton. We have a new movie coming out.

Again?

JD: Uh...yea. Isn't that why we're doing this interview?

Oh, right, sure. Ha. So, let me guess...Helena Bonham Carter is in this one too *coughbangingthedirectorcough*.

JD: Yes, she plays the Red Qu-

A lot of people say I look like Helena. You kind of have to agree:

Helena

Me

 

JD: Yea, so...as I was saying-

Do you remember when I said I would never talk to you again because you worked with Roman Polanski and then it turned out you said all these mean things about him and then I forgave you?

JD: Uh, no?

Dude, it was on my Facebook.

JD: Okay, I'm going now.

One last question...do you always show up for interviews shirtless or was that just for me?

*door slams*

Johnny? Johnny?

And there you have it folks, my world exclusive interview with Johnny Depp. Celebrities can be so touchy, what with all the looking around for the exit and taking out restraining orders.

Editor's Note: The author's son is in fact named after her Godfather, John, who goes by Jack and is one of the men she most admires in the world, but really one family can only handle only so many people named John and even though she did get the full name Jackson off of Hannah Montana, that was pretty much an afterthought.

What Love Really Is (Between Adult Humans)

Well, it's this. It means knowing that for whatever reason you have missed your chance. That the person you thought was perfect for you turns out to have not thought the same way. And then you move on and forward and create a new life, and new lives (also known as babies) and it's all good. So good that you don't even remember what the big deal was anyway.

But sometimes, you (being human) remember that feeling. And you think about what might have been, and all the different ways it might have turned out.

But then you look at what you have and you know what's yours is good. Maybe even perfect.

Dream Dream Dream

Just woke up from yet another airplane dream. Literally just woke up - my eyes are still blurry.

I realize people could give a s-word about other peoples dreams but it's my blog, so nyah nyah nyah.

So in this one the cabin is the size of a high school auditorium. And I'm sitting next to this big guy who is all bitter because I have the end seat. The rows are like 10 sets long and set up stadium style. We make it to the first layover and when we board again we file into our seats and I'm again supposed to be last in the row but he balks. I'm like "Dude, I'm behind you, you have to move down, I get the last seat!" We get into an argument and I'm finally like "Screw you!" and move an aisle ahead to the opposite end seat, and where the ticketing system is in all this I have no idea. Then two servicemen (Marine and Navy, my first and second favorite branches of the military) sit behind me and are like "Ohh, it's Amy Shuster, this should be interesting!" WTF? And why is that????

So then the plane drives up 95 (???) to a road that is near the house where I grew up. The Captain gets bored and decides to pull over into the local airport (which does not, in fact, exist) because he wants to try taking off from the 20 foot runway. We all disembark to debate about whether or not this is a good idea (NO). I call my mom to see what she thinks (NO).

Finally it occurs to me that I can solve this dilemma.

"Hey everybody! All the sudden it's 1977! Does anybody recognize the Captain?"

Person I worked with in college: "Isn't he a cable news anchor that I just saw on TV last week in 2009?"

"Yes he is! And that is in the future! So obviously he makes it, so I say we just get on the plane because if he's fine then we should be fine. Who's with me?"

At which point another passenger says:

"Amy Shepherd:bringing fear and the space-time continuum together." I seriously think this may become my new motto.

I won't ramble on about the rest except to say that the purpose of the trip in the dream was, I think, to go meet Jon Bon Jovi, an opportunity I would most definitely take a pass on in reality because we would only get in a fight about his stupid politics. Plus, I am soooo over Bon Jovi, even though I swear to G-d he looked me dead in the eyes and smiled DIRECTLY AT ME when I was in the third row of the Jovi concert back whenever it was that I liked him (which I don't anymore).

The end.

Me and My Big Ass

For most of my life, I've had a hard time buying clothes. This is for two reasons: one, I have about zero interest in fashion (you can confirm this with either of my sisters). And two, nothing ever fits because it is all TOO BIG. I am 5' tall (according to my drivers license, and if that's good enough for the great State of Pennsylvania, then it's good enough for you) and usually weigh between 97 and 103 pounds (do not attempt to confirm this, especially with my older sister, who will tell you I am full of shit). So you would think that a size 0, 1, 2 or even a 4 should work great for me. Well, you would be wrong. It's all too long, or fits at the top but not at the bottom, etc. I get pretty lucky with American Eagle jeans, which is why you will see me rotate the same two pairs until they literally fall apart, and which is also why I don't mind paying a stupid amount of money for jeans, because, hey, I get some serious mileage from them.

Before you give in to the urge to tell me to go fuck myself for the above "problem", do keep in mind that clothes shopping has always been a genuine frustration for me, and that frustration is why I generally look like a homeless person or one of those granola chicks (though who can tell the difference?). I don't think I'm all that because I'm little, but if I did, let me tell you about a  life changing experience that I had at Charlotte Russe the other day.

I was at the mall with my 7 year old, shopping for a pretty casual dress to wear to my wedding (that's a whole other post). We tried all the anchor stores and and out of desperation even went into Forever 21 (ha ha ha ha ha, I am such a dumbass). I decided to check out Charlotte Russe because, what the hell. I saw a few flowy things I liked, things I knew would make me look still pregnant, but since I actually do still look pregnant I figured I might as well be comfortable.

"The problem here will be " I said sagely to Em, who at this point into our 2 hour excursion was actively ignoring me "That even the smalls will be too big. But I like this one, so let's give it a shot." I grabbed a small and headed off to the dressing room.

I should have known I was in trouble when after two attempts I still could not figure out if it was better to step into the dress or pull it over my head.

"Is there a zipper I'm missing?" I asked Em, who was staring in fascination at The Body Formerly Known as Amy.

"Maybe it's too small." she suggested.

"Ha! I wish! It'll be much better once I get it on."

After what seemed like an hour of contortions, I managed to squeeze into the dress. It was a little tight up top, though the length was good. Sadly, it was deemed unacceptable due to the amount of boobage squishing out the sides of the top, giving the attractive impression that you couldn't tell where my boobs stopped and my armpits began. Yes, even my armpits are fat these days.

"Well, hopefully the length on the medium will be okay. Go see if the girl is there, tell her I need a medium."

She ventured out while I started to take off the dress.

I say started because...well, because I couldn't get the dress off. COULD NOT. GET. THE DRESS. OFF. I tried pulling it down. Nope, hips too big. I tried pulling it over my head. Entire upper torso too big. Oh my God, I prayed. Please tell me this is not happening.

Em returned, cheerfully informing me the girl was not to be found.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I...am..trying...to get out of this dress." I panted, attempting to dislocate one of my shoulders.

"I don't think it's working." she said helpfully.

"Ok." I told her. "Don't panic. What does Mommy always say when you think something is stuck?"

She shrugged. Clearly she was not the one panicking. "If you can get it in there, you can get it out."

"That's right, sweetie! Now go try and find the girl again and tell her I need some scissors."

"Are you serious?" she asked, one foot out the dressing room door.

"No, I am not serious! What I am serious about is that I will RIP THIS DRESS OFF MY BODY before I admit to some malnourished 19 year old that I am stuck in a "small" at Charlotte Russe!! Okay! So don't panic! Doesn't Mommy always say that panicking just makes it worse??"

The next few minutes are a blur. Suffice it to say I did manage to get out of the dress without any damage except to my ego (and here I seriously give all credit to Jesus, as I honestly don't know how I got that thing off my body). We headed back to the rack, grabbed the medium and checked out.

"Aren't you going to try it on?" Em asked.

Why is there never a bar around when you need one?

NEXT UP: Explaining "teabagging" to my mother. Thank you, Anderson Cooper.

Barack Obama is so special!!!

Did you hear that joke about how Barack Obama's bowling skills are so bad, it's like the Special Olympics?

Well, it's not a joke, folks. Just read Jake Tapper for the story.

Laughing yet?

Barney Frank and the people who vote for him scare me

So...let me see if I understand this...Barney Frank demands the names of private individuals who have committed no crimes. These individuals received retention bonuses from the company they work for, AIG. AIG received bail out money from the government (well, actually from all of us taxpayers), in a bill approved by Congress that contained specific language allowing for the distribution of these bonuses. And now Frank wants the heads of the only people in this sickening scenario that didn't actually do anything wrong?

However you may feel about the people who took these bonuses (and please read this before you form a final opinion on that subject), you should be terrified of the fact that your government feels perfectly entitled to go to your boss and DEMAND that he give up your name and what you plan to do with the money you earned, and if your boss doesn't comply, well, then they'll subpoena him. And when your boss expresses concern for your safety (since people are threatening to strangle you with piano wire and harm your children, all because you WERE COMPENSATED FOR YOUR WORK), the government basically laughs in his face (see Michelle Malkin). It should outrage you that the only people expected to do the "right thing" here are the people who accepted the bonus. Congress? Hell no!!! Hungry, taxpayers? Have a red herring!

And if these people choose not to give up their money, well that's fine. Because now the House has voted to tax these bonuses at a rate of 90%. That's right, boys and girls. This is your friendly U.S. Goverment telling you if you don't give them your money, they're just gonna go ahead and take it.

And that just may be the scariest thing of all.

Liveblogging the Coronation (contains cuss words)

Dear Charlie Gibson - No, I am NOT wondering what is going through Al Gore's head because I am confident it is utter nonsense as usual.

11:18 AM - Thank God someone is giving the senior Bushes a hand. Is it just me or were they left to flounder? And, BTW - that someone is Bill Clinton...WTF...

11:19 - Jimmy and Roz are up. No comment.

Now the senior Bushes...bless them...Babs looks good, so does George H.W., actually.

Here come the Clintons. And of course the crowd goes wild. If you look closely, you'll see the special detail assigned to clean up the trail of slime they leave behind them...

Gah. I need a beer. Charlie Gibson is rambling on about the moving trucks at the White House.

11:25 - The Obama girls look beautiful. They seem very excited, God bless them.

Aretha - WTF is on your head?

Oh, God SHUT UP Diane. "My Country tis of Thee will be sung in a new way for African-Americans". Why? Was it not their country before? I hate the MSM. EDIT: apprently she was paraphrasing MLK. Guess that makes it okay. (rolls eyes).

11:28 - I love Laura Bush "Hey everybody. How are you all?"  Adorable!

The adoring masses are chanting for the One. Thought I heard "no more Bush" but the cameras cut away (shockingly). Those Obama supporters - all class.

11:31 - Michelle Obama looks good. Very classy, but no more so than any other political wife.

Charlie is now spouting some bullshit about the Declaration of Independence "As I said on election night...all men are created equal...and now this is a giant step forward". What an asswipe...no time to go into detail on the douchebaggery of this statement...I beleive it is "self-evident"

11:38 - The President looks GREAT - confident and relaxed. Love you Dubya!

11:39 - Here comes that fucking clown Biden. He's probably ready to wet his pants, he just cannot believe he actually made it.

And here's the One - looking appropriately solemn, I must say. You know, I might actually cheer the historic significance of this moment if that weren't the only thing it was about.

I might have to mute Charlie Gibson. Or kick him in the ass, either one.

Well, I gotta go do some laundry. Might be back.

11:49 - Pastor Rick Warren - meh. Peaceful transition, African-American president, blah blah blah, MLK, asking for blessings on Obie, Biden, etc...

That was cute...girl in the crowd just realized she was on the jumbotron...cute reaction...I love people!

Had to pause for a minute to say the Lord's prayer with Pastor Rick. That part I liked.

Muting Aretha. Smoke break.

12:06

So there you go. America is a big girl now.

Joking aside, that was cute. He looks good, Michelle looked good.

Oh, here's the speech.

Humbled, mindful, grateful...mm hmm...thanks G.W., good, he should. That man went through hell for this country.

Whoa...he mentioned the war...and failure to make hard choices re:the economy (dear congress...)...

We have chosen hope over fear...um, is that just political B.S. or does it meeeaaan something?

I've always believed that all are free to pursue the opportunities of this country...and I do mean ALL.

Pleasures of riches and fame...hellloooo Hollywood...this means you, dummies...

This is a nice speech. I guess I'm not moved because I didn't vote for him, nor do I believe him to be capable of delivering...but the kool-aid drinkers seem pretty into it, based on crowd reactions.

Me! Me! I question the scale of your ambitions! And, no, my memory is not short.

Okay, here comes the socialist stuff. Gotta run...Wee Jack just woke up, obviously he senses a great disturbance in the force.

Back...okay, enough with the father stuff...what about your mom???

He is a good speaker, I will give him that. And good looking too. Yea, I said it.

12:39 - OMG, I swear Michelle Obama just checked her palm for the words to the National Anthem...

Michelle Malkin blogs the inauguration.

More from Malkin.

It really is that simple

So as we approach Christmas, I found myself in a debate with my SO about the afterlife. Seems he was at his favorite watering hole and got into a conversation with the bartender (not the hot one, the nice one, like I give a s-word either way) about their respective beliefs on reincarnation. Apparently she gave him quite a bit to think about because he said to me "There might be something to that, you know. Heaven can't be big enough for everybody, and you should have to earn your way in. You know, like try to live a good life and learn some lessons and if you don't quite make it the first time you go back and try again."

Well. I may not know much in this life, but I have learned to tread carefully when this sort of thing comes up. People get veeerrry touchy when it comes to God, and the last thing you want to do is turn them off completely. But since he's stuck with me no matter what I say, I laid it on the line.

I told him there is no earning salvation. There is no way we could ever get their on our own...we all mess up and will continue to do so until the day we die. There is a price to pay, one that we could never afford, but it doesn't matter, because Jesus paid that price for us.

He said "So you're telling me that if I go out and kill 8 people, I just say I'm sorry and I love Jesus and I still get to go to Heaven." To which I could only say, "If you were truly repentant, and you sincerely accepted Jesus as your Saviour, then yes."

Look, I know people struggle with that concept. I struggle with it myself. You think I don't think every child molester shouldn't burn in his own special hell? But it's not up to me who goes to Heaven or hell...that is between each person and God. People who reject the notion of Jesus as salvation always throw this one at you - "So you think I'm going to hell, right?". Well, no I don't because it's not my decision. If it were up to me, everyone I care about would go to Heaven regardless of their beliefs, just as the aforementioned scum of the earth would rot in hell. But I don't get to decide (which is probably a good thing).

So when I explained all this to Grant he said "It can't be that simple." And I thought about it and I realized that it is. Easy, no. Simple, yes. The way to the Father is through the Son.He made you. He knows your heart and He loves you anyway. Be thankful.